Bored
by Autobot Chromia
Summary: Out of gas and stuck adrift in the shuttlecraft 'Galileo', Spock, McCoy, and Jim must try and entertain themselves for the next six hours. Needless to say, Jim's insistent nagging that Bones play a game with him is grating on both the good doctor's and Spock's nerves. One-shot.


BORED!

* * *

**Warnings: Bones-style swearing. (Damnit! Hell! And one case of Bloody) Stupid, cliché, really, really old jokes (especially for the 23rd century) due to excessive boredom. Yo Mamma jokes.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek of any generation. I own not the **_**Enterprise**_**, nor Spock, nor Kirk, nor McCoy, nor any crew member. I do, however, own a grey tribble. Not the Tribble rights, just a stuffed tribble. *strokes Gildas the tribble***

**Rating: T**

**Characters: Spock, Kirk, Bones**

**Summary: Some idiot forgot to check the gas tank on the hexed Galileo (bigfoot planet, planet of guy who loved a dust cloud were only the beginning). Spock, Kirk, and McCoy are trying to return to the **_**Enterprise **_**after a diplomatic mission, the **_**Enterprise**_** having left for a very near Starbase for some much needed refitting and calibrating. Now, halfway there and adrift in space, they have to wait for the **_**Enterprise**_** to pick them up. Jim gets bored and starts irritating the Doctor and sends Spock on a wild-goose chase/star-counting spree. **

**What could possibly go wrong?**

* * *

"Bo-ones!" Jim was lying on his back, one hand slung over the side of the reclined chair and the other dramatically plastered over his eyes.

McCoy sighed, trying his darndest to ignore the whiney Captain. Ten minutes, and fifty-seven 'Bones'es later, he snapped. "What?" he shouted, slamming the PADD down in his lap.

"I'm bored." Jim moaned, peeking out between cracks in his fingers towards his annoyed friend. "You've gotta help me."

"Help yourself." McCoy grumbled, grabbing up his PADD again. "Bad enough we're stuck in this aluminum can for the next... God knows how long."

"I have estimated the time of the _Enterprises_ arrival to be approximately five hours, thirty-five minutes." Spock spoke from his own corner, having long since abandoned the controls.

The mission, involving everybody's favorite trio, had gone quite well. No hostiles, the food was good, the rooms they stayed in were fit for kings, and everyone had just been so gosh darned polite that McCoy had almost asked to resign his commission and move there. But, of course, since he had signed the dotted line, thus selling his very soul to Starfleet for the next five years, he had to board the shuttlecraft _The Galileo_ to return to the mothership.

Despite all of his moans and complains, McCoy really did think the shuttlecraft better than the transporter. Especially if the atmosphere of the planet was so thick and ionic that anything beamed down would be permanently rearranged. Leonard like his head right were it was, thank you very much.

But, of course, a little light would blink on the dashboard. Jim had announced, jokingly, that it was the 'check engine' light. Of course, Spock had pointed out that the engine light was just fine, it was the fuel light that was blinking. And, no, there was no fuel leak or coolant burst or anything like that. Some idiot ensign had just forgotten to make sure the entire tank was filled before sending them off.

"Nobody asked you." McCoy sniffed, onlining the next page. "God-damn, outta gas and stuck with the likes of you two!"

"Well, think of it this way." Jim shrugged, jack-knifing himself on his reclined chair. "We could have run out of battery power."

Leonard blinked once. "The problem with that would be..."

"The ship is run off of fuel; whereas the life-support systems in shuttlecrafts are battery operated." Spock cleared up again. "Were it the batteries that had died-"

"I get the picture." McCoy cut him off sharply, waving a hand.

"Bones?"

"What, Jim?"

"I'm _bored_!" Jim exclaimed again, having sat up long enough just to flop back down on his laid back chair. "There's gotta be some magic hypo in your fanny-pack that'll fix it."

Bones growled. "It's a medical bag, not a fanny-pack. And, as your doctor, I have to tell you no."

Jim blinked. "Wait, there is a hypo?"

Bones nodded. "Yes, but I didn't tell you that. Also, it's illegal."

"Damn." Jim cursed sinking into the padded chair even deeper. "So you don't have any?"

As demeaning as he could, Bones slowly shook his head.

Jim swore again. "So, what am I supposed to do?"

Bones threw his hands up in the air, PADD in one. "I'm a doctor, not a babysitter! Read a book."

"I did." Jim sniffed. "I read it on the way here. I don't wanna read it again."

"Then download a new one." McCoy all but ordered, growling sharply.

"Don't wanna..." Jim sighed. "Besides, the connection sucks out here. By the time I got one to load, the _Enterprise_ would be here."

Bones sighed, shrugging a shoulder. "I don't know - count stars or something, just shut up!"

"I don't want to." James repeated, grinning as he finally stole a look at his very irritated friend's face. "Besides, I know there are exactly 16,789,001 stars in this quadrant alone."

Bones snorted. "Sure ya do, kid."

Silence fell through the small cabin a moment, just long enough for Spock to grasp the strings of logic long enough to speak. "Captain, how can you be so certain?"

"Hmm?" Jim hummed, glancing at the Vulcan, a much better view than the ceiling. "Of what?"

"The exact number of stars." Spock answered. "Even with today's technology, the exact numbers are mere approximates, and can be off by millions. In the Milky Way Galaxy alo-"

Jim waved him off. "Because, Mr. Spock, I just know."

It was obvious with his Vulcan hearing, Spock heard the doctor's snort in the background and did very well in ignoring it. "Indeed?"

"Indeed." Jim gave a frim nod. "Don't belive me, count them yourself."

Spock blinked once before turning away, a small shake of the head as much of a human sigh as he would allow himself. Jim chuckled, placing his hands behind his head.

"Hey, Bones." No answer. "Bones? Bones, come on. Bones. Bones. Bones-Bones-Bones-Bones-Bo-"

"Wha'?" the shout sounded more like a sob. "What, Jim?"

"Knock-knock."

The PADD slid to the floor with a clatter. McCoy buried his face in his hands, fingers curling into his hairline. "No. No, Jim. You know my daughter Jo-Jo?" Jim nodded. "Yeah? Well, she's five years old and even _she_ knows that knock-knock jokes are outdated and stupid and idiotic and... uh..."

"I belive, Doctor," Spock added his imput once more, "the word you are searching for is 'juvenile.'"

McCoy snapped his fingers. "Yes, juvenile. I knew ya had it in ya, Spock."

"Have what in me?" Spock blinked, the Vulcan way of rolling his eyes or scoffing.

"The ability to add something worthwhile." McCoy beamed, reaching down for the PADD he had dropped.

"Knock-knock."

A desperate cry left the doctor, the PADD returning back to the floor. "Angels of heaven, have mercy." he moaned.

Jim laughed. "Com'on, Bones. You know I'm just going to keep pestering you until you cave. Just answer the door."

Spock remained blessedly silent.

Bones sighed, as defeated and trodden as a man could get. "Who's there?" he mumbled.

"I'm sorry." Jim cupped his ear. "I didn't exactly catch that."

"Don't push your luck, kid." Bones warned. "And, I swear to God, if you say '_orange_'-"

"Olive."

Bones paused, doing that blinky thing Spock was so very good at. "Olive?"

"Mm-hm." Jim hummed. "Now, you have to say-"

"I know bloody well what I hav'ta say." Bones scowled, slumping back against his seat. "Olive who?"

"Olive you." Jim beamed, not exactly laughing at the corny joke but instead McCoy's face.

A mixture of horror and disbelief crossed his face, the doctor rubbing his forehead. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"Really?" Jim took the statement as a dare. "How 'bout this, then. Yo mama so fat that when she goes to the movies, she takes up three rows."

"She is not!" McCoy exclaimed. "Nobody talks about Mama that way!"

"It's a joke, Bones." Jim sighed. "I've never even met your mother. But, the proper way to retaliate-"

And thus started a half-hour session of men exchanging insults about the other's mother. Every fith insult was always preceded by a 'How long has it been, Spock?' In which each absent-minded reply had been along the lines of, 'It has been five-ten-fifeteen-twenty minutes since the first time you asked'. It continued on until Spock had replied an hour, in which Jim stopped.

"That's it?" he groaned. "It's only been an hour?" He turned towards McCoy. "It's still your turn, you know."

"Hang on." Bones grumbled. "Give me a second... I got it. Your mama's so dumb that when she was filling out her medical application, when it asked sex, she wrote 'Yes'."

Jim sighed. "A whole hour and you still suck at this."

Bones crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, you're the idiot that started this whole thing! I just wanted to read!"

Jim huffed. "It wasn't a stupid idea."

"I'll tell you what." McCoy stated. "If I or Spock can tell you one that you can't counter, we win and you have to be quiet the rest of our wait. If you win, we'll play whatever you want. Deal?"

"Deal." Jim agreed instantly. He was the king of corny jokes, witty banter, split-second sarcasm, and Yo Mama jokes. As of now, Bones and Spock would have to play games with him long _after_ the _Enterprise_ arrived.

McCoy turned towards the low figure hunched over a scanner, having been silent most of their drift. "How 'bout it, Spock? A quick round or two for some peace and quiet?"

Never even glancing up, Spock minutely shook his head. "I would much prefer not to."

"You do know they're not actual insults, right?" Jim added. "My mother isn't fat, ugly, lazy, or stupid by any means. And, as far as I know, McCoy's isn't, either."

"Damn straight." Bones gave a sharp nod. "And we've all met Mrs. Amanda. Anyone who says something like that and actually means it is a darn fool themselves."

"While kind, I wish to remain exempt." Spock persisted, eyes and body never moving from above that scanner.

Jim raised an eyebrow, usually Spock's signature move. "Is there something out there we should be worried about?"

"Not at all, Captain." Spock replied quickly.

"Jim, Spock, _Jim_." the Captain sighed. "And, if there's nothing proving imminent danger, nothing deadly about to kill us, or no unseen phenomenon, what's got you so engrossed?"

Spock blinked, but if it was simply to wet them having stared so long or his rolling them, neither man knew. "I am merely following your orders, Jim."

"Orders?"

A single nod. "You told me to count the stars for comparison to your own number. As of right now, I have observed six thousand, nine-hundred fifty-four thousand, seven-hundred fifty-six and counting."

Jim moaned, McCoy snickering beside him. "Spock, it was just a joke. I don't know how many stars there are, and the most you're going to accomplish is giving yourself a migraine staring at that screen. Come back and take a break."

Spock withdrew from his scanners, seemingly relieved. There was no logical was he was going to count every star in this quadrant, and it had passed his mind many times that perhaps his captain was teasing him.

"You gonna join us?" McCoy prodded. "I'm sure it's not very logical, but it's the only way to shut Jim up. If we win-"

"I heard your wagers, doctor." Spock replied. "And I still decline. I am quite an expert in drowning out both you and Jim when your voices become too much. I have ignored you quite sufficiently these last two hours, twenty-seven minutes."

"I bet you just don't know how." Jim poked teasingly, trying to egg him on.

McCoy snorted. "Be reasonable, Jim. What logic is there in little hobgoblins making jokes about their mothers? He's probably never even heard a Yo Mama joke until now."

Spock's eyebrows had furrowed. "On the contrary, doctor, I am quite familiar with insults towards one's mother. But, in my case, calling my mother a 'human whore', amongst other things, were well meant and without jest."

Jim shifted in his chair uneasily, whetting his lips. McCoy just sat there, looking like he wanted to rub his temples and his neck at the same time. A pregnant silence filled the cabin for a few moments.

"Well, fine." Bones huffed, breaking the uncomfortable silence. "If you wanna sit this out, then sit it out. Don't come crying to me when you get roped into endless games of Tic-Tac-Toe or limitless Truth or Dare."

"I can assure you, I will not." Spock resolved firmly.

Jim leaned back in his seat, grinning to himself. "I'll start. Bones, Yo mama's so ugly she doesn't even have to dress up for Halloween."

Spock really did roll his eyes, especially as the doctor retaliated.

"Your mama's so stupid she sits on the holo-vision and watches the sofa."

It continued on for another half-hour, Jim quick with the quips and McCoy slow and bumbling, but persistent. Meditation was impossible with the two of them bickering, even if it was all in good fun. They were becoming increasingly difficult to muffle out, especially as their voices rose and fell depending on how bad, dirty, or stupid the jab was.

"Yo mama's so-"

"Captain?"

Jim stopped mid-sentense, filing away his insult for use when his turn resumed. "Yes, Spock? What is it? Did you finally count all the stars?"

"No, Captain." Spock assured him, having never returned to the scanner after he head learned of the Captain's initial teasing. "Captain, I regret to inform you that your mother is so entirely unastetically pleasing that she created tears in an _allium cepa._"

Were their crickets in space, or at least on the shuttlecraft, you could be certain it would have chirped in applause, the only noise that would have been made in the entire cabin.

"Did-did you just-"

McCoy laughed, clasping Spock firmly on the knee. "I knew ya could do it! You shut Jim right up!"

"I still have no idea what he said... did he just insult me, or my mother, in Vulcan?" Jim blinked warily.

Spock gave a single shake of his head. "No, Jim. Latin."

"And, I'm pretty sure there is a nice Latin-Terran English dictionary somewhere to be downloaded on your PADD." Bones stated, snatching up a PADD from somewhere for Jim. "Now find it and shut up."

Needless to say, Jim was very quiet for the next two and a half hours while he waited for his lexicon to download, and another thirty minutes as he tried to find out just what Spock had said.

Both said nothing as Jim exclaimed, silently fuming and giving Spock and Bones nasty glances for the last hour of their drifting. There was a unmistakable twinkle in his eyes, though, and if he saw McCoy handing Spock a bar of chocolate once they got back to the ship, he turned a blind eye to it.

* * *

Author's Note - I hate one-shots... but here's one to try to help me dive deeper into the ST fandom. As well as _Two Plus Two Makes Five_, I will soon (hopefully) be posting a de-aged fic...

And, before anyone asks, yes, Spock did say 'Yo mama's so ugly she made the onion cry.'

And on that bombshell, I wish you well!


End file.
